


The Universe In Him

by BOOCHANGBINZ



Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Angst, Felix swears a lot, M/M, Major character death - Freeform, One Shot, Space AU, confession of feelings, its rlly sad i almost cried while writing it, this was completely self-indulgent, yeah ummm one of them dies
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-03
Updated: 2020-10-03
Packaged: 2021-03-08 01:41:12
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,861
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26787610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BOOCHANGBINZ/pseuds/BOOCHANGBINZ
Summary: silence. crackling. nothing but the sound of felix’s bated breaths and his own struggled gasps and the symphony of colors flashing in his face.no matter where he went. this moment would still catch up to him. even on the cusp of a black hole, there would still come a time when he would have to say goodbye to felix.(lowercase intended)
Relationships: Bang Chan/Lee Felix
Comments: 12
Kudos: 49





	The Universe In Him

**Author's Note:**

> i’m sorry in advance. i just needed to write something sad to get some emotions out and this happened.

_ you have two minutes of oxygen left.  _

time was a winding, twisted path; it spread through the galaxies with it’s own turns and divots, always changing, always different. what could be an hour in one area of the universe could be minutes on the other side. on the edges of blackholes, time stilled almost to a stop. a million lifetimes could be lived out within one moment. 

and yet, time was a relentless monster, eager to swallow every person and every thing whole. no matter where you were, time still moved at it’s own pace, and there was no being in the entire universe that could stop it. 

_ you have two minutes of oxygen left _ . 

the electronic voice dug into his eardrums. seconds stretched to minutes to hours to years. 

they say your entire life flashes before your eyes when you die. chan didn’t see anything but the darkness waiting to engulf him. 

what was two minutes when you were about to die? what was two minutes compared to his entire life, and every life there ever was, and the longevity of it all?

two minutes felt like so little. what could be said in two minutes? didn’t he deserve more? a longer, more meaningful goodbye?

he grasped for the side of his helmet in zero gravity, chunky gloves slip-sliding against the smooth plexiglass. his hands were shaking. the darkness was ever-consuming. he couldn’t even see the stars. 

somehow, he managed to press the button. there was a crackling in his ear as his microphone connected. how much time had passed? how much time had he already wasted?

“ _ hello? chan? _ ”

there was always something so comforting about that voice. reminded him of home. 

_ home _ . 

“ _ chan, what’s wrong? _ ”

“nothing”, he lied. he could hear fumbling on the other side of the microphone, a muttered curse. “how are you doing with the re-wiring?”

“ _ this shit is a lot more jumbled than i thought it would be _ ”, felix replied. he sounded annoyed. god, if he knew….” _ it’s seriously pissing me off. how’s your mission going? _ ”

terrible. “fantastic.”

“ _ why’d you bing me? _ ”, felix asked. he was obviously preoccupied, only paying half-attention. chan wanted to scream at him. these were his last moments, his last words. 

he didn’t want to end it like that.  


“felix”, he started. his throat felt tight. he swallowed down the tears; he wouldn’t cry. not in front of felix. he wouldn’t waste his last minutes sobbing into the mic. “can you...can you stop what you’re doing for a sec? i gotta say some things to you.”

“ _ are you gonna lecture about what happened yesterday? _ ”, felix asked. “ _ ‘cause i’m sorry but i’m really not in the mood. we can talk about it after—damn it!—after i’m done with this stupid fucking mission _ .”

“felix.” his voice was a lot softer. already, he could feel the effects of his lack of oxygen. he was so...tired. 

maybe it wouldn’t be so bad. maybe it would be like falling asleep. 

“ _ what? _ ”, felix replied. chan’s eyelashes fluttered against his cheeks, but he forced himself to stay awake. 

“put the stuff down”, chan said. it wasn’t an order. he was the team captain, and he was used to making orders, but not right now. this…

this was a goodbye. 

“please”, he whispered. on the other side of the mic, he could hear the clatter of tools dropping to the ground. 

“ _ chan, what’s wrong? _ ”, felix’s voice was suddenly worried. all his attention turned to him. good. maybe chan could actually get some words in. 

“i…”. and yet they evaded him. how? how do you say goodbye to the person you love most? what could even be enough?

nothing. there was nothing that would ever be enough. 

“i just want you to know”, chan started. an icon popped up on the screen in front of his face, flashing red in his eyes.  _ oxygen levels dangerously low _ . “that i’m not mad. about the kiss or...or anything. i’m sorry i reacted badly.”

there was silence on the other side of the line. he squeezed his eyes shut tight. his whole body ached. he just wanted it to all be over. “felix, please say something.”

“ _ i… _ ”, and more silence. he heard a deep, trembling breath. “ _ i don't regret it. i’m sorry if that’s not what you wanted to hear, but it’s the truth. i really wanted to kiss you _ .”

chan chuckled. he was always so straightforward. it was nice. it was one of the things he loved about him. “yeah, i wanted to kiss you too. i guess i just got scared.”

“ _ ‘cause i’m really scary _ ”, felix joked. another icon popped up on his screen. blaring red. danger, danger, danger. 

“felix”, chan choked out. he couldn’t tell if the tears had gotten to him or the lack of oxygen. “felix, i...i love you. i love you so, so much. and i just…”

“ _ chan, you know i love you too _ ”, felix replied. “ _ are you okay? we can talk about this when we get back to the ship. _ ”

“no, we can’t”, chan whispered. how do you tell your entire world that these are the last words you’ll speak to each other?

“i want to go home with you”, chan said. he let his eyes close. it hurt to much to keep them open. a deep ache settled in his chest, in his lungs. every word was a struggle but he was determined to continue. “i want to go back to australia and show you my dog and introduce you to my family. and...and we can go swimming. there’s this really nice strip of beach i found a couple years ago, it’s real great. it’s almost always empty too. we’d have the whole place to ourselves.

“felix, i….”, his words broke off. “i wanted to come here because i thought that if...if i could see the universe up front then maybe i could cup it in the palm of my hands. like maybe i could understand it better and change something back home. but the truth is…”

silence. crackling. nothing but the sound of felix’s bated breaths and his own struggled gasps and the symphony of colors flashing in his face.  _ warning, danger, oxygen levels dangerously low _ . 

no matter where he went. this moment would still catch up to him. even on the cusp of a black hole, there would still come a time when he would have to say goodbye to felix. 

“you are my universe, lix.” it felt good. the truth. “all i need is you.”

“ _ chan? _ ”, felix asked. “ _ what? what was that about? _ ”

“i don’t—“. the robotic voice didn’t have to tell him. he already knew his two minutes were up. there was nothing left to breathe. it was like he was drowning on land. “i can’t—“

time was relentless. the last thing chan saw wasn’t his life. it was black. 

____

  
  


“chan?”

the other end went silent. no more gasping breaths. no more meaningless words. 

“chan?!”

come on. that couldn’t be all. that couldn’t be all he had to say. there would be more. chan would come back on, he would say it was just another emergency protocol test. he would lecture felix for not making the right moves, for not alerting the rest of the crew. 

he couldn’t...he wasn’t…

“chan, come on”, felix said. he stood and noticed that his legs were trembling. his entire body was shaking. “chan, this isn’t fucking funny. answer me!”

nothing. just silence. 

space was an all-consuming entity. felix wasn’t quite sure why he wanted to go to space. chan seemed to know why he was there. but felix…

they were supposed to go home together. 

“chan, i’m fucking serious.” he was running now, abandoning his post. if chan was still breathing, he would have his ass for that later. he pumped his legs, faster and faster, traveling through the winding hallways. his lungs felt caved in, empty. there was a dull ache in his chest, right where his heart was. 

he didn’t notice he was crying until he was punching in demands into the pod. 

“chan, where are you?” who was he even asking anymore? who was going to answer?

“fuck”, he mumbled. a sob wracked his body and he wiped at his face, at the unending stream of tears. he took a deep breath before switching coms. “hyunjin? hey, answer right now. it’s an emergency. i don’t care what the fuck you’re doing.”

“ _ what is it _ ?” hyunjin’s voice bit through him. fuck, he was already forgetting exactly how chan’s accent sounded. how did he form his o’s? what shape did his mouth make when he said his name?

he should have tried harder to remember. he should have memorized those things while he could. 

“where is chan?”, he asked. he could hear typing on the other side of the mic. 

“ _ uhm, i don’t know _ ”, hyunjin admitted. “ _ his location won’t come up. his suit might be malfunctioning. what’s this about? is he okay _ ?”

“fuck, just tell me where he is!”, felix yelled, slamming his fists down on the dashboard. the darkness of space peered at him through the glass, a never-ending abyss. “fuck,  _ fuck _ .”

“ _ felix? what happened? what’s wrong with chan _ ?”

“where was his last known location?”, felix asked, ignoring hyunjin’s questions. 

“ _ i’ll ping it to you _ ”, hyunjin replied. coordinates flashed on felix’s screen and he hurriedly typed them into the pod’s system. “ _ felix, please tell me what’s going on _ .”

“chan, he…”, felix trailed off. he sobbed again and hit the wall of the pod. his knuckles split from the harsh contact and began to bleed, but he ignored the white-hot pain. “i don’t know. he called me and started going off about  _ something _ , fuck i don’t know, it was just nonsense. but...it sounded like he was saying goodbye. and he sounded hurt. and then he just...stopped talking.”

“ _ you can’t get him to respond? _ ”

“no.” he felt...broken. like a deep pain starting in his heart and spreading through to every limb. 

“ _ i’ll try to get in contact with him _ .”

hyunjin kept talking, but felix wasn’t listening. he pushed his pod to it’s limits, but it didn’t matter. 

no matter how fast he went, he would still be too late. 

space was all-consuming. it began with nothing, and equally, would end with nothing. everything faded in and out of existence, so agonizingly slowly that no matter what point of time you were born, you would never see much. every moment, stars were born and died, but their light lived on for centuries. solar systems and galaxies and blackholes were formed, just to eventually die and their existence forgotten save for the minuscule imprint they would leave on the universe, which would eventually be erased along with everything else. there were universes before this one and there would be universes after, each with their own people and lives and infinite amounts of chan’s and felix’s who would also have to say goodbye. 

and yet, the inevitability of it all did nothing to cure that singular, searing pain. 

he found chan’s body floating in an ocean of darkness. a lifeless man surrounded by a relentless, unmerciful universe. 

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> hi.....sorryyyyy  
> i hope i didn’t emotionally traumatize anyone with this one


End file.
